Hey, Supers.
First, I want to thank you for indulging me in my epic bloggy breakdown six days ago.
It's no secret that I'm not cut out for this stay-at-home Ima stuff. Top that off with how David works probably 18 hours a day (no exaggeration) and does about two percent of the housework (that includes preventing the children from killing each other,) and you can call me burned out.
I thought that writing this here frugal Ima blog starting about a year ago would make me feel like my stay-at-home-ness was worthwhile and fulfilling. It did for a little while, and then...it didn't anymore. I never blog here anymore (in case you hadn't noticed) because I HATE everything to do with house and cooking, children and homemaking. Well, I don't hate it, I guess, I hate writing about it (but really I hate it a little too.)
Some people would have started drinking or emotionally eating, but I started writing. That's really my addiction right now. I wake up in the middle of the night to jot down or change, ignore my children, and type till my hands hurt to get just one more task done.
When I go back to work in about T-5 weeks (thank-HaShem-in-heaven-I-need-this-so-badly), I really hope the burnout evens itself out and I start blogging on our family blog and maybe here again. But right now, I just can't stand to spend one more minute thinking about house, kitchen, or children than I have to (yes, I am a horrible person.)
So, I'm thinking about moving the check-in to my writing blog, since this blog is otherwise dormant. Thoughts?
Anyway, this week's check-in. This past week I was in the revision cave, as my beta reader was finishing up reading and critiquing my 300-plus pages and I was frantically making changes and corrections according to her critiques. Whilst in the revision cave, I:
Freaked out and made David pick up Chipotle for dinner one night.
Freaked out and hired $90 worth of babysitters each week until September.
Both Frugal Fails. And I really don't care. Seriously, I will LOSE. MY. MIND if I don't start getting away from these children a few hours a week. It's the whining and the hitting, and the screaming, dear God, the screaming. And looking at cooking food or pots and pans has literally given me an anxiety attack at least twice this week. I really can't handle it anymore.
BURNOUT. What you don't want to happen to your cheery housewife. (that's a good tagline for a spa or something, huh?)
See why I think I should let this blog go? See???
Anyway, now that I'm out of the revision cave and in Official Second Draft Land (hopefully to be followed sometime this fall by Querying Adventurescape), I hope to be a little less obsessive about my writing, and actually start getting things in order for my return to Real Work.
For example, here is my professional wardrobe:
I should probably go through that and see what, if anything, still fits me, and then HANG IT UP IN THE CLOSET like a civilized person.
Oh, wait. That's still self-indulgent. Oh, well.
Supers, what's on the agenda for the week? What do you hope to accomplish, and what's going to slide to let you do it?
(Also, should I quit this blog?)
You're doing an awesome, awesome job. Keep on keepin on.
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Thank you for being honest enough to say you need time away from your kids. I remember when I was pregnant (for the two minutes it lasted), being in a store and hearing a baby WAILING and thinking, Good God, is that what I'm in for? How the H-E-double hockey sticks will I deal with that ALL DAY if I'm twitching just listening to it for ten minutes? It doesn't make you a bad mother, or a bad person. It makes you human. At least, that's what I tell myself. And it helps.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing to be so honest with yourself and the internets...gam zeh yavo...and you will be stronger and better for it.
ReplyDeleteI just gotta get through this week...no hubby in sight til Sunday. Deep breaths...
hugs!
I wish you were still in Kansas so we could go have coffee (or something stronger) and commiserate. I struggle as you struggle. Especially that recent discussion about mother duties vs. rabbi duties? I'm a lawyer with three little kids. Don't get me started on the conflicts within my profession.
ReplyDeleteI will say, though, I don't think it's un-frugal to have a babysitter. In your circumstances, I would also consider a cleaning service. That goes double after you return to work.
Frugal, to me, means (a) living within your means and (b) not spending money on things you don't need. "Need" is open to broad interpretation and doesn't mean "only those things without which someone will die." Thus: Do you need some time to yourself? Clearly; humans do. Do you need nice work clothes? Yepper. And so on, within reason.
These things you describe as "self-indulgent" are not. I think when we tell ourselves that acknowledging our own humanity is self-indulgent, we are not doing anything frugal or healthy for ourselves or our kids.
Wishing you luck as you navigate all this. Hope it gets easier after you return to work. BTW, Eli still talks about Asher. :-)
I personally really hope you don't throw in the towel on this blog. I simply adore it. And- as a added bonus- you are a welcome change from the army of Christian mommy bloggers (as discussed on get rich slowly the other day) you manage to combine the things I love about that style of blog with gorgeous pictures, wit and humor, and a different faith perspective.
ReplyDeleteSo what if it's only once a week? Provided you're consistent with it, readers will keep coming back. I don't bother obsessively checking your blog during the week and getting annoyed with sporadic posts- I know they happen only on Sunday's and that's what makes them special and looked-forward-to.
No! Don't give up on this blog. You are still a SuperIma and you always will be whether you are working or not. I love following you here.
ReplyDeleteThat said, of course change your update to your writing blog if you want. But you won't be a naptime novelist anymore... :-P You'll be an after-work SuperIma novelist.